Lost In Moldova: What you're getting into.

Disclaimer:
All characters listed herein are fictional any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental. If you recognize yourself in this blog the blogger is unamused and insists that you reconsider your position. "Lost in Moldova" is not responsible for the actions of "Lost in Moldova". The opinions listed here do not represent the actual opinions of "Lost in Moldova". This blog is one of purely personal content, and any attempt to take it seriously or make it professional will be met with skepticism by the blogger.

To Whom it May Concern

We are currently looking for a 3 foot 4 inch(when sitting), Caucasian Male(we think, at least about the male part), last spotted walking the streets of Chisinau(about 2 feet taller when standing). Please help us find this suspect and force him to give account of himself. For now consider the suspect armed of wit and dangerous of tongue. Do not attempt to approach the suspect on your own, as all who have, fall prey to his silver charm( yes we said it "silver charm", we shall not be accused of excessive creativity in this bureaucratic memorandum), please inform the proper authorities here at "Lost In Moldova" for we have special tools (comparable to those used when bagging and tagging bears). Here on this web site we shall document the search for, stage set, and exploits of said suspect.

Here as follows a brief description:

First a name/A first name/Name a first
Ion Kingsessing/ John/OBM(for all duels involving pistols at sunrise)

1. Head
Whose to say what is inside, but speaking only of the stucco his particulars are:
a. Round( the kind of head that stretches your turtle neck or that black tee you've been saving for a social occasion.)
b. Thick( hair that looks unruly even when combed due to three calyxes(why not calyxii, but that remains a question for another time) located a top and in the posterior of his crownless head.) With a slight curl when long, and a brown he calls hazel, his hair is a source of pride.
c. Large (this could refer to much but as we write this we intend to convey the size of his head in toto. He has the kind of head that looms large even on screen causing every scene to be a closeup( thanks Mr Demille))

2. Face
Of the many we will just describe the physical:
a. Eyebrow(s). The "s" being in parentheses because if not carefully trimmed there is only one brow.
b. Earlobes. Often referred to as "porno-lobes" by those closest to him, his Achilles earlobes are soft, fleshy, and quiver in the wind.
c. Dimpled. Right in the middle of his first chin he has a depression which has caused him to believe that his soul mate has a protuberance in the middle of hers(this having come from a childhood puzzle obsession).
d. Smooth. No matter how hard Ion has tried he remains smooth of visage, the hair follicles having come to the dimple and fallen off like Lemmings into the sea.

3. Body
Bread has been used to describe the body before and by better than us so, "Breadlike" it is.
a. Strong Shoulders. His favorite feature, his shoulders are broad and able to hold much weight(down as well as up) both physically and emotionally. Mr. Kingsessing cites as his personal heroes both Atlas and Sisyphus whose acquaintance he made while taking Delusions of Grandeur 101(Do You have The Midas Touch) as a college sophomore.
b. Full Belly. His stomach lined like a map of the former Yugoslavia is evidence that life has treated him well. His paunch precedes him everywhere he may venture( not at the magnitude of Mr. Ignatius J. Reilly but "Duncelike" none the less). It has been known to shrink however and we are following a report to that effect
c. Whole. Though an ardent philosemite Senor Kingsessing has always maintained contact with his foreskin.
d. Calves To Die For. Due to much soccer/football and much bench sitting M. Kingsessing has great calves. Well defined without the requirement of a workout, when moving in unison Paolo Maldini and Edgar Davids(yes, his vanity knows no end and he named his calves for soccer players, giving them both a first and last name for definition)are the reason he wears Bermuda suits.

4. Image
What You see, What He sees, What a Stranger might see, and one Metaphoric Image

a. What You see:


b. What He sees:



c. What a Stranger sees:



d. Metaphoric Image




This concludes the suspect(both meanings can apply) description portion of our post. You should now have some idea of who we're looking for and we can proceed to a little bit of background on likely associates( past and present), cultural influences, and current surroundings.

Background


It has proved difficult to obtain background info on Mr Kingsessing( we have asked the FBI for his file and are awaiting their response to the negative). However, we have compiled a list of avowed confidantes and possible acquaintances some of whom have thrice denied their association.

What Follows is said list. Be advised however that each uses an alias so as to conceal the nefarious network. Also we only have a few last known photos and would appreciate any assistance provided by the public as we attempt to suss out the connections. Below you shall find names, photos and brief descriptions.

Associates:

Our man was not always Lost in Moldova he was for many years Marooned in Philadelphia before and after being Stranded in State College and Bundled out of Bucharest.

Confidantes include:

1. The Mother(aka The Lifegiver, aka The Teacher, aka Smokefree Miki(recently))
Not to be confused with his "two Mamas" who came to him later in life, this woman is responsible for bringing in to the world, rearing and sheltering Mr Kingsessing. Though their relationship was quite contentious in his teenage years they have formed a strong bond based on shared intellectual curiosity and a love of conversation. He has been heard to state that he would never be Lost in Moldova without her. She has over the years forced Mr Kingsessing to ask the tough questions about his existence and the choices he makes. Our last known picture places her as a beautiful woman in her late thirties(your welcome) and it is whispered that she gives succor to those in need of housing and counseling to those who have been wronged by real estate. Together with The Sculptor she has formed the one we are seeking and let him loose to wreak havoc upon the Eastern Bloc.



This also one of our best photographs of the suspect and once again he eludes us by only allowing his back to be photographed.


2. The Sculptor(aka Man of Bronze, aka Stone Cold V, aka The Non Conversationalist)
Not much is known about this taciturn man that Mr K. refers to as his rock the most important person in his life. So we shall show you an artists rendering and leave it at that, except to say that he has been known to melt bronze in order to get his way.



3. OBM( The O-Dogg, aka Rocco) and POS(aka La Tone, aka The King Of Hearts)
These two have been the primary culprits of Mr. K. for years, longer than even he would care to count. It is thought OBM has left Philadelphia for sandier pastures and has been known to enjoy sailing. Also we are currently of the opinion that he will be the first to be Found in Moldova. The POS we believe is an aluminum siding salesman(this caused by a childhood fascination with asbestos which sadly has affected his mental capacity and physical appearance as you shall see below) and chronic womanizer(how we have no idea). These two are central to discovering Mr. K. as it has been said that he keeps in daily contact with the POS( why we know not).
*the first photo shows OBM and POS with a third unidentified fellow, a slim and dashing young man we are unable to place as we believe he no longer associates with them.





4. Family Members
a. The Good Dr. Dre and his paramour whom we'll call AL
The good doctor while famous for such ivy hip hop classics as "Smart Bitches ain't Shit" composed while at Princeton and"Ain't Nothin' but a G Thang" composed while doing a gastroenterology rotation, has left his musical career behind in order to focus on his career has a pulmonary pediatrician( we await a new song however). All we know of, let's call her AL is a penchant for judging a book by its cover and a dislike for Meat Jello shared with our suspect. We have also heard talk of Lucy (aka The Spaniel) but information on this mysterious figure is still quite sketchy. No photos are available at this time, however our hope is that some citizen out there will spot one or all three and upload a photo(are you listening Ethan Hawke).
b. The Big Soup(aka Yes, Absolutely) and his Life Partner the former Miss Strauss(aka The Problem Solver)
Of The Big Soup and Miss Strauss we know little. From what we were able to piece together they live in Steel Town USA where The Big Soup who we think is an electrician/plumber uses wires to open clogs so that complicated systems won't shut down. The Former Miss Strauss is, after The Mother the the most important woman in Mr. K's life( we apologize for the language, we copied it directly from an inarticulate note written by the suspect). We do know however that Mr. K named a trophy after her The FJCGIK(Franzica Jovin Coolest Girl I Know) trophy given out each year(well you guessed it the man lacks imagination) the the coolest girl our man knows, and he is still thankful for the female anatomy lessons given by both the Big Soup and The Problem Solver. The names Biba, Chica and Dida have been used in connection with these two also something about a Jungle Ciorba( an apparatus of some sort). We are currently working diligently to bring you more details. Only one photo is available and that of The Big Soup looking pensive.



c. Other Relatives include Jonny Boy, Ghizo, Gogu, Matusica, Unchiul, The Secret Keeper, The Historian, Tere, The Browning Lover, Ms. Dwarfs on The Brain, The Cyclops and The Professor. (mind you these are just aliases and these peoples names are probably as generic as Jon, Jacob Jingle,Heimer, and Schmidt) Here is what we do know:
i. Jonny Boy( aka The Champagne Man) is a highly respected pillar of the New England community with a hidden passion for mid-western life.
ii. Ghizo(aka Yes, Mom), and Gogu are a pair. He a cardiologist and she manages an auto dealership or is it the other way around we are as yet unsure. She has been known to be one of three women allowed to mother our boy. We are in possession of a photograph of Ghizo burning the midnight oil.


iii Matusica and Unchiul
His closest aunt and uncle. Unchiul we believe is an honorary title given to the Family Don while Matusica has been known to provide both sustenance to and conversation for the accused. She has long since formed a personal bond with him and we anticipate her being Found in Moldova some time in late February.
iv. The Secret Keeper( aka Don't Tell Anybody(Dar sa nu spui la nimene))
She the holder of all family lore, so secret that we're not even sure it or she exists. She keeps secrets even from herself. We possess a picture but sadly it must remain a secret as she we believe has dirt even on us.
v. The Historian
What we know of the Historian is passed from student to student, a story of a man daring to take on the Slovenian darling SZ. However, our most recent information tells us that Mr. K is currently in The Historian's bad graces, a blow to Mr. K we are sure.
vi. Tere
NO INFORMATION AVAILABLE
vii. The Browning Lover (aka The Victorian)
all we have on her is this couplet:
Strangers like you that pictured countenance,
The depth and passion of its earnest glance
Robert Browning
My Last Duchess
viii. Ms Dwarfs On The Brain
A whirling dervish that fires words at you with each revolution. There is almost not enough time to digest the first before the second comes at you (Makes us wonder if you could view life at half speed like a DVD). We know that Mr. K enjoys this about her and would encourage people to visit her site piticipecreier.blogspot.com to see a web site formed of many interesting fragments or crumbs as she prefers to call them.
ix. The Cyclops (aka Zeke)
He lives in a far a way state and all we know is that our Odysseus's journey has yet to put him on the Cyclops shores. Though Mr. K hopes in the reverse of The Poem, The Cyclops will visit him on eastern shores.
x. The Professor(must be said/read with an English accent)
The Professor is said to have "Great Conversation" everywhere he goes and he goes many places each year. In fact we have heard rumors of a yearly communique written by The Professor only for those on the inside.


People with no excuse(Friends)

This list is populated by The Composer, The Mentor, The Evil Twin, The Steve, The Snowbutt, The Dude, and BDH148. We have a few notes and photos.

a. The Composer(aka The Maestro, aka Lights Out Boyle)
French of nationality and tonal of temperament we are as yet unsure if this photo is The Composer or another noted French intellectual Albert Camus. We do however have a limerick to share:

There was a young composer named Ben
Who wanted eight hoes in his den
He went to Moldova
F**ked ova and ova
And next time he said I want ten


b. The Mentor( aka The Architect, aka The Playwright, aka Mr. Higgins, aka The Conversationalist)
Of The man who played Mr. Higgins to our man's Eliza Doolittle next to nothing is known, he prefers to remain in the Shadows. Married to The ESpanish ESenora the mentor has been known to offer advice on all topics. His grey beard is proof of the effort spent on The Lost One. This photo of him easily places him as the brains behind the operation.


c. The Evil Twin(aka V.I. Lenin, aka El Jeffe)
This crystal voiced tenor has been known to gallivant with Mr. K and they have ridiculed many a poorly written word , shared whiskey and conversation, grappa and laughter, and books and beer. He and his current girlfriend whose name we forget(Consuela we think) are currently to be found singing Latin favorites in New Jersey. We feel the V.I. Lenin alias is as a result of this picture.


d. The Steve(aka El Steve)
This mild mannered rec-therapist by day may also double as head of the infamous Roxborough Mafia.


e. The Snowbutt and The Dude
The Abominable Snowbutt has been sited on Holyoke Ave as well as some parts of the Yukon.
The Current holder of the FJCGIK trophy(6 years running) is attached in some way, we have deduced, to The Dude. The Dude master of the culinary arts and 'brushed up on his Mao" has been known to consume a beer or two.



f. BDH148
BDH148 is not some robot from the future. That however is all we know. One rumor however has BDH148 and our suspect meeting up in May, we shall keep you posted.

Of these associates we do know that OBM, POS, The Composer, The Snowbutt, The Dude, along with Mr. K. are members of an organization known only as "The Compound". Mr. K. having been heard to shout "Compound Forever" on the Streets of Chisinau.

Now that we have finished with Background we can move on to Cultural Influences but that is for the next post which we hope will be a few days hence. We congratulate those of you with the patience to get to the bottom of this post, either you are dedicated or you have the kind of job that allows you a great deal of free time, kudos either way.

In the coming weeks scheduled posts are:
Cultural Influences(books, literature, movies, music)
The Scene of the Crime(hotels and apartments to get lost in)
Walk the Path( A city tour with one who knows nothing about the city)
The Clothes Make the Man( an expose on what our suspect might be wearing)
Chisinau Night Life(only for those of you over eighteen please)
Gleanings of a People Person(Life in a new job)

We hope to launch such special guest features as:
POS watch(our count of how long before La Tone needs another car)*
The POS Escapades(our count of something completely different with guest blogger POS himself)*
OBM hours worked( where we see if OBM can average 130 hours worked in a single week and still drink a beer afterwards)*
The Composer's Notes( where The Composer will sound off on whatever subject he damn well pleases)*
Darts Strategy and Fine Alcohol With The Evil Twins(if you need three bulls-eyes, hit them then enjoy a nice a grappa)*
A new Song From the Good DR.(Mo' Asthma, Mo' Problems)*
Continental Theory with The Mother(Riceour, Badiou, Zizek, Benjamin, et al)*
The Right Side With Unchiul(self-explanatory)*
Letters to a young ... with the Mentor(wisdom for everybody)*
New English with the Sculptor(sure to be our most popular post)*
Impressions with the Snowbutt(opinions on current TV Shows)*
Culinary tips from the Dude(today pasta tomorrow cassoulet)*
Interventional Neurology with the Big Soup(simple, simple stuff)*
The Steve Investigates(old people what's the mystery?)*
Fragments( Ms. Dwarfs on the Brain writes stories but not sentences)*
Dear Franti( move over Abby we've taken the 'dear' and left you all alone)*
Skiing With Ghizo(its not all downhill)*
Secret of The Week( with none other than The Secret Keeper)*
Cities with Mr. Ion Kingsessing*

*all special features are tentative until you see them posted up on your screen, as we have not yet asked these people to participate in the hopes that once promised they will feel obligated not to disappoint their public.

Finally this Blog is an Attempt by Lost in Moldova to keep connected to those who are out of sight but not mind. So, participation though not required as I know all are busy, is much appreciated.

Well friends I must away
TO
Lost In Moldova


City: Isidora(Those of you who know me know where to look. Those who don't just look below)